My take on the dynamics of alcoholism/addiction

Hi! I just wrote what follows in a letter to a friend of mine. To save time, I typed in all lower caps.

This represents 20 years of my meditation on alcoholism/addiction. This letter reflects my thoughts. Others will agree and disagree. Take what you like and leave the rest. :^)


alcoholism is a scientifically established disease. i will try to explain a few of its features:

* when an alcoholic has alcohol in his body, he loses all connections to everyone else. to the practicing alcoholic, their number one priority is getting drunk, and once that drunk is over, getting loaded again and again. once the alcohol is in the alcoholic, he withdraws, and disconnects from others and non-drinking experiences. his primary purpose is to become intoxicated; everything and everyone else revolve around his need to drink and his ability to do so, uninterrupted.

* it's essential to know, however: the behaviors of an alcoholic have their basis in the neurological "hardwiring" of the alcoholic's brain.

* the biological dynamics of alcoholism can be understood through science's discoveries of the evolutionary development of the brain -- or the brain's roots, if you will.

* the most primitive parts of the brain go back so far in evolution as to be pre-cognitive. they are practically reptilian. this ancient, pre-civilized part of the brain emerged first; later the cognitive lobes evolved into being.

* the first developed parts of the human brain have more power over the brain as a whole, than the parts that developed later. this is true in every human brain.

* the most evolutionary primitive parts of the brain are also recognized as the brain's "pleasure centers." they control the production and regulation of "pleasurable" biochemicals such as dopamine and serotonin. it is here that all human emotions first emerge.

* the neurology of the alcoholic/addict is hyper-sensitive: even to the brain's simplest neurochemical functioning. this is one of the features that differentiate the biology of the alcoholic from that of a non-alcoholic. the alcoholic's neurochemical stability is always in a state of potential imbalance. often, the alcoholic's body -- i.e., his primitive brain/pleasure centers -- do not produce enough neurotransmitters, or do not sufficiently regulate them. a common result is that the alcoholic does not feel mentally stable enough to live without some sort of quick external intervention.

* in the beginning, the body's pleasure centers equate the presence of alcohol in the body with physiological pleasure and give feedback to the body that it is experiencing pleasure. the alcoholic therefore drinks and enjoys the experience. he may not consciously realize that he "self-medicating" with liquor in order to feel mentally, emotionally and dispositionally even.

* this neurochemically-imbalanced, conditioned stimulus and response creates an overexcited mind-behavior feedback loop that propels the alcoholic's future drinking. this feedback loops reinforces the alcoholic's drinking even when toxic symptoms of the drinking begin to appear, such as hangovers, changes of personality and "blackouts."

* the primitive regions of the brain, driven by a neurologic disharmony due to the alcoholic brain's functioning, fixate this destructive behavior in the alcoholic. because the primitive brain overrules the cognitive components of the brain that developed after it, it is at this point that the alcoholic may have "crossed over the line" that requires his drinking without his conscious consent.

* these primitive parts of the brain are pre-cognitive. they determine the alcoholic's behavior without needing to route the decision-making through the brain's cognitive functions. the conscious mind of the alcoholic does not decide whether the alcoholic will drink. under the active influence of alcohol, the alcohol does not have the choice but to drink.

* this pre-cognitive mechanism in the neuro-dysfunctional brain of an actively-drinking alcoholic illustrates why alcoholics get drunk even when they are rationally trying to consciously control their drinking. this is why appeals to the alcoholic's reasoning, emotions or values do not make any dent in the alcoholic's inebriation.

* most alcoholics are depressives; that is, they suffer from depression of a medical nature. try as he may, the alcoholic cannot bring himself out of depression with alcohol or the other drugs that the alcoholic abuses. nevertheless, the alcoholic will try to quash his depression with sedatives (e.g., alcohol), or a combination of sedatives and stimulants.

* the alcoholic may try a variety of different stimulants in combination with alcohol to strike the "right (artificial) balance." these stimulants can be any of the following: cocaine, speed, crack, methamphetamine, and so on. the alcoholic may try to elevate his depression with the use of stimulating behaviors, such as: negative excitement, anger, codependent "drama," compulsive or obsessive sex with a partner, anonymous or casual sex, gambling, argumentation, and so on. the active alcoholic, caught in the grips of neurochemical havoc, will go to any (ultimately self-defeating) lengths to try to restore a semblance of peace to his insane thinking.

* try as he might, eventually the destructive behaviors the alcoholic lavishes upon himself and others catch up to him in the shape of almost every possible negative thing that could happen to a person. this compounds the neurological imperative to seek what has now become oblivion through drink.

* science is also discovering evidence that alcoholism and other addictions have specific genetic roots. scientists are very close to locating the genes that will lead to alcoholism in an individual. not surprisingly, the combination of these particular "alcoholic" genes are similar to the combination of genes that lead to depression.

* it's not clear why some people with the alcoholic gene will drink alcoholically (or act out addictedly), while some people with the same genes won't. the differences are probably based on psychological and sociological factors that bring out the particular expressions of each alcoholic. some alcoholics do not drink alcoholically until they are in the right environment, such as high school, college or work. some alcoholics, such as myself, are born with such a severe neurochemical imbalance that we gravitate to, even actively search out "fixes" such as alcohol from a young age. [i was a blackout drinker from the beginning of my drinking. i was 13.]

* the time-tested programs of Alcoholics Anonymous (meant for the alcoholic) and Al-Anon (meant for people close to an alcoholic) stand by their experience: no one can diagnose whether a person is actually alcoholic except that person. in my opinion, the alcoholic must come to an innermost realization within himself that he has no power whatsoever over his drinking. ultimately, in order to recover from alcoholism, the alcoholic must make his own diagnosis, and then determine if he wants treatment for his disease. i/we/you/they may be sure that a person is an alcoholic, but it's likely that my/your/our/their opinions will not change the alcoholic's distorted perceptions of himself.


the impact of alcoholism on the lives of others

* alcoholism, in addition to being a biological/neurological disease, is also a mental disease.

* when alcohol is in the body of an alcoholic, he is completely under the control of an imbalance that has set off a craving/neurochemical imperative in his body. over this craving, he has absolutely no physical or mental control. the presence of alcohol in the body of an alcoholic also sets off an obsession in his mind, bringing him back to thinking over and over about drinking and getting loaded. this obsession preempts all of the alcoholic's perceptions.

* alcoholism is a disease of perception and denial. over all evidence to the contrary, the alcoholic will rearrange all his perceptions of reality in order so that he can drink as he is compelled to drink. this includes denial of his alcoholism. this includes trying to manipulate and control everyone around the alcoholic so that he is successfully able to blame his drinking on his perceived problems of others. alcoholics are great at creating drama in order to try to distract others from mirroring to him that he is an alcoholic.

* the compelling power of an alcoholic -- doing all that he can to also distort the thinking of others, so that they will be confused as to the fact of his alcoholism -- inevitably harms the perceptions, thinking and feeling of those closest to him.

* the alcoholic can make everyone around him feel like they are crazy and that he is the only sane one among them. one day he admits to his friends or family that he is somehow responsible for his "bad luck." the next day he categorically denies any responsibility for his problems and denounces his friends as traitors for implying he has a problem with drugs or alcohol.

* i can only describe the power of the pathology that the alcoholic inflicts upon others as malevolent. at the same time, the alcoholic is in the grip of a disease that is beyond his reason to control, muchless "manage," as try he might. so what can be done?

* no one, including the loved ones of an alcoholic, can work out his addiction for him. i/we/you/them cannot love him enough, guilt him enough, clean up after him enough, beg him enough, threaten him enough in order to get him to stop drinking. this is never my/your/our/their fault.

* no practicing alcoholic will ever take responsibility for his drinking, unless he is placed in physical, mental, emotional and spiritual circumstances that are completely beyond his ability to control. [and that is just the beginning of recovery.]

* the alcoholic must be made to reckon with the consequences of his drinking, with or without the helpful hand of others. often, the alcoholic will lean on the support of others, while in actuality never taking the meaningful steps forward to his sobriety. that is why the friends of an alcoholic must learn to detach from him -- spiritually, mentally, emotionally and even physically -- for his good. BUT MORE IMPORTANT, FOR THEIR OWN GOOD!

As of today, I have been sober for 7,015 days

... one day, one hour at a time. ;^D

Alcoholics Anonymous

Count the number of days that you have been sober.

Find an AA meeting in your area.

Each of us is a healer: Medicine Buddha and the karma of healing

Check out this article

This article comes at a good time for me. My tailbone has been bothering me for several months and now it is starting to affect my legs.

My spiritual practice as taught to me by Alcoholics Anonymous has proven to me that I must let go of my self-centered, self-pitying thinking, and turn my thoughts to others who are in greater need of help. This gets me out of myself, and when I do, I actually feel much less physical pain.

The Medicine Buddha has been my friend since I first picked up a poster of him in a Buddhist bookstore up in Berkeley. For the past 12 years, this framed poster of the Medicine Buddha has been shining like the sun into my residences and into my consciousness. It is said that just by contemplating the image of the Medicine Buddha that one begins to heal. I think it's true. Just look at his image and see how totally generous and compassionate he is. By the sheer force of the compassion that radiates through him, we get a glimpse of forgiveness. At that same moment, though we may not be conscious of it. we become able to forgive (and be forgiven of) many of the stupid things that account for the stupid karmic messes we find ourselves in.

Click here to get more info on how to meditate upon the Medicine Buddha as a source for healing

Save me from my fears! from me!

This is a "thangktha," or painting of Green Tara, a deeply revered goddess among hindus and buddhists.

This is a "yantra" of Green Tara -- a visualization of her spiritual energy pattern.


Thanghkas and yantras are used as meditation tools. Just calmly looking at them is meant to hook you up into the divine geometry of the universe, to retune you. Music can do the same thing.

Tara comes in many colors, each of which focus her particular strengths. Isn't that cool? Doesn't that make sense? I will show you an image of White Tara later. White Tara, as you would imagine, looks Asian -- usually Chinese, at least to me. To me, Green Tara looks African. My favorite girlfriend, Debbie McLeod -- she and Green Tara look so much alike, it's jolting! Ah, Debbie! But Debbie is another story ...

Green Tara is often known as "The Giver of Prosperity." Another one of her names, or aspects, that I particlarly like, is "Unchallenged Furious Lady."

My high-school English teacher once told me that I had a big nose that made me look like an elephant. My mother didn't think it was funny. My mother almost got him fired. He never made that kind of mistake again. My mother was Green Tara at that moment. Green Tara kicks ass!!

Green Tara is the mother who protects us from fear. She protects us from our own inner demons, or negative, habituated thoughts and feelings. Tara saves us from ourselves. Tara saves me from me. To keep things light, Tara also mirrors back to us the best things about ourselves. Just like my grandmas did. I could do no wrong in their eyes. Tara is that mother, too.

If you will notice in the painting, Tara's right palm is facing toward us, and her right foot is extended off her throne toward us. The point is: she is willing to come on down and set things right in short order. Tara does this because she is unconditionally loving. And, like I said, she's not afraid to kick your ass or mine if it is in the interest of elevating all life.

Gazing upon the image of Tara is supposed to help us deal with our own craziness, and specifically heal us mentally, emotionally and physically. Tara really keeps me sane.


More about the Green Tara


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I deal with bipolar depression, which I have fortunately been able to successfully treat. Yes, I have to do a lot to keep on this human plane: one, take medications under a psychiatrist's care as directed and only as directed. I see a fantastic therapist! My psychiatrist is also great. [You have to see a doctor who thinks and cares about you as a person. I have fired many MDs and psychiatrists along the way to get the treatment I needed.]

As long as I am doling out advice: if you are dealing with depression, anxiety or some other form of mental illness, you need to ask a physician for medical help, don't worry about what the family will think, and fucking change your life. If you are drinking alcohol and/or using recreational drugs such as marijuana and cocaine, then you are doubly fucking yourself! You have no hope for mental relief until you stop self-medicating! I have been sober for 19 years. I have seen the addicts who can't get or stay sober because they will not address their mental health issues. I have also seen the people who deny their mental troubles and try to drown their pain with drugs and alcohol. It's like putting a match into an open gas tank ...

Check out my web link to AA. Everyone needs to know and understand about AA, because everyone knows a drunk and/or addict.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."


Alcoholics Anonymous


If it wasn't for Alcoholics Anonymous, I still would be out of my friggin' mind!!! AA and my spiritual practices. Buddhism and AA together have been essential for quieting my mind. You will hear about both of these inevitably.

What I believe is, the best of the universe, both inside and outside me, collaborated to take me out of insanity and give me what I never had: a stabilized mind, a stabilized neurochemistry, and a greater, inherently spiritual, consciousness beyond my understanding that is responsible for this stability. Of course, I have to be willing and conscious to stay stable one day at a time. But I give credit to this harmonizing super-consciousness, and to me, she is Green Tara.

So: Green Tara saves me from the worst in me, and brings out the best in me. I wish everyone had a conscious awareness of this kind of feminine spirituality. Thank goodness that those Christians, who want her, have Mother Mary.

I remember when I was four years old that I could not fall asleep until my mother came into my room and tucked me into bed so that I felt like I was being held. I do believe I was being held! God as Mother was there all along! I think more of Mother Mary when I visualize me, a very little kid, back then in Colorado Springs, before my family fell apart, and then came back together in California, the land of the hippies. The Mother was there in that room with me. She was like the light coming through the open door that my mom knew to keep only three-quarters shut for me.

I always think of God as Mother as being around me. Green Tara kicks ass and encourages and emboldens me, so I like to think of her as riding shotgun with me here in my life in the City of Our Lady Queen of the Angels. She, and Our Lady of Guadelupe!

For any of you who think I am crazy, you may have a point, but along with the craziness comes mysticism. I believe in the spiritual world, and I feel sorry for you if you don't. It's real, dudes. If you have ever surfed, you have felt the presence of nature in harmony with something greater than the physics of wave mechanics.

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Hey, I am going to go surfing later this week -- up the Malibu coast an hour until I hit the LA/Ventura County lines. I pity you landlubbers who have never danced with the Pacific! I am going to play like an otter and swim like a dolphin. And I will come back a new man.

Hopefully, there won't be too many other surfers there. The ocean turns surfers mellow; it isn't the drugs. Some of the most spiritual people you will ever meet in the world are surfers, seriously.